I have no idea why but recently I have felt very inhibited when it comes to my writing, the ideas are there but something seems to be missing. My original goal with this blog was to be more than a biographical writer. I don't really like talking about myself or writing about myself for two main reasons. The first being that except in special cases(nostalgia, getting advice, etc.) it feels like watching a movie for the 100th time except instead of it being my favorite movie its a movie that had good parts but I'd much prefer watch a different movie. I don't mean that in any sort of self deprecating way either, I have confidence that I will start to like my own movie much more as it plays out but right now it doesn't even have a female lead much less a real plot. The best way I can think of expressing the way that change occurs is to imagine it almost as the opposite of the career arc of someone like Tracy McGrady. Currently my skills are somewhere in the middle bottom of their potential and as I progress through my career I will peak around 45 or 50, my current "value" is fairly equivalent to what T Mac will be like at 45 or 50. The second reason is that a decent of amount of it is directed towards people who are asking questions to be polite or avoid silence and I feel a certain level of nobility in recognizing this and attempting to direct the conversation towards something containing actual entertainment value. It is very notable to me that there are many days in my life that I can recall quite well and give a decent account of but it is far from likely that I would be able to name a song I was getting into at the time or even less likely what I thought about certain things and the way I felt. This was unintentionally driven home by a conversation I had with my dad recently. He was asking me what I thought my brother might like for his 17th birthday and it hit me that I have very little recollection of what it felt like to be 17. Maintaining as much detail of those types of feelings, along with other details like my beliefs, ideas, and taste is incredibly important to me both intellectually and otherwise and It seems that storing ideas/beliefs here is what let to the aforementioned inhibition. The recent blank periods between posts don't represent a lack of ideas, they represent a lack of belief or certainty and who doesn't have inhibitions when it comes to writing about something they are still quite agnostic about?
