(self-titled)

I haven't posted in a while so I figured I might as well. I've got quite I bit I need to do for school but I also need to slow down and think for a bit so what you're reading is that compromise. I did really well on my stats exam today I think. I've always been aware of it but never really made much of the fact that I am way better at stats than I am at math, stats for me is about as close as I've ever gotten to something coming completely naturally to me. This is only an issue because I find math far more intriguing, and I refuse to take the easy way out. I guess I'll see how it plays out over this semester, I'd really like to at least take Advanced Calc.

Overall though things are great, I am living the life that I told myself was coming a year ago. I'm on a basketball team, I'm making more friends, I'm taking all interesting classes, and I like myself a lot more. All the stuff may sound trite to the layman but it's importance couldn't be over-stated for me. The one thing that still seems to plague me is my relationship dry spell. I don't know why either other than that it always seems to be a part of my winter mood swings. I have platonic companionship and I can easily get physical companionship. I guess the thing I need most from a relationship is the uniqueness of the relationship, the special role you get to play in someones else's life, a key role. The biggest frustration I have with being single is that I really feel like I would be great at filling that key role. Having someone to care about and implicitly another reason to get up in the morning would be great. Getting to make someone you care deeply about happy all the time sounds good too. I'm not too worried about it, when someone I'm into does come around the world isn't going to split open. I'm not even going to necessarily be way happier, just a different kind of happy. I enjoy every moment I get to be alive and that means taking advantage of not being tied to anyone and creating happiness out of it.

I would kind of like to write about this weekend but my math hw beckons. Thanks for sacrificing your free time to read my thoughts. Seriously.

this.

the small things

After all these years I still love the little rush I get when I prove something.
I still can't help but smile when I see multicoloured leaves.
I haven't gotten tired of having great conversation.
I still love my man kanye.
Kanye West featuring Beyoncé & Charlie Wilson - See me now by Hypetrak

EDIT:I also love that rollins is back.

Indecision breeding cohesion.

First things first, I have had a exceeding pleasant weekend so far, both saturday and sunday night consisted of spending lots of time with friends new and old. This evening however will be consumed by math 3000, I have to prepare for both the test retake monday and write a homework redo for monday, fun stuff.

Initially todays post was going to be a reflection upon some life changing stuff I've gotten to do along with sharing pictures from some of that stuff. That plan changed when for some reason my mind landed upon the words to the famous stanza from Tennyson's In Memoriam.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."

The immediate meaning of this poem resonates with people so incredibly well that it has almost become idiomatic within our collective vocabularies. I think that there is something beyond the basic idea that having a wonderful life with someone makes it worth losing them. Whether Tennyson intended this or not I think it can be gathered that an additional meaning is when you truly love someone they fundamentally and permanently change you into a more complete and better person to such an extent that you stay that way after they leave. I would really like to be with that person. I sometimes feel as if after spending so much time introspectively I am reaching the "final lap" of that being productive or useful. As flawed as it is Maslow's Hierarchy of needs somewhat illustrates the point I am trying to make.

I am 11/11 on "high level" needs but I am ~14/17 when it comes to "basic/low level" needs which is not only really backwards, but generally fucked up.  On the other hand though how bitchin' will it be when I finally do end up in a healthy relationship and I already have all of my internal issues worked out? I probably even prefer in this way.

The next thought I had came while writing the previous paragraph so its a bit less complete. What if you substitute "love" for other weaker types of love such as platonic love or love of things, does the same idea of permanent change work? I think so but to a weaker extent. Without any doubt in my mind I can say I have had friends that I would be a much worse of person without having met. To such a degree that is unpleasant to even think about that scenario. The side that I am less sure of is whether or not things can have that effect. My best guess is that it really depends on what kind of role that thing plays in your life, personally I don't know that any object other than computers or cities have impacted me on a deep level. 

On that note and in light of all the homework I have to do here are some of those aforementioned pictures to finish this off.

Chillin' inside The Cavern where The Beatles got their start.

This is a couch in the cabinet room that I spend some of my best times in high school sitting on. One day we found out it had rats living in it.

There are many reasons that NYC is one of the few cities I'd love to live in. This illustrates the biggest one

This what the teachers lounge of the aerospace engineering dept. at MIT looks like. Or at least what it looked like on the night Nathan and I broke into the aerospace building there.

My one and only NBA game. If you squint you can see Derrick Rose.

Laguna Beach is definitely one of the prettiest places I've ever been but it is also amazing for collecting yourself and soul searching.

Lady GaGa having everyone in the crowd take pictures of the fame monster to kill it. 

Partying with the Flaming Lips right here in CoMo

The best part is that all of that has happened in the past 3.5 years. The future looks quite bright.

Some afternoon delight(a quickie)

I didn't really give a proper introduction to what I was this to be in my post yesterday and I'd like to do that. I guess my first post is a fairly representative of what 70% of my posts will be on here. It was presented without context because I had been waiting for an idea to compose itself clearly enough to leverage me into writing again and when one did I just went with it. Like all of my first drafts it was done in one sitting with no rewrites or edits, my goal when writing is to document with as much accuracy as possible an unadulterated idea. Because of this another 20% of my writing will probably be exploring and playing with the ideas now that they have been constructed and exist in a concrete form, possibly even renovating in some cases. The typical cycle will probably consist of a couple of the "70%" posts a week and then depending on if I find what I wrote interesting enough to look at again I will post a "20%" companion post a week or two later. The main goal I had in creating this was to have a place to document my thoughts, ideas, and feelings in a medium that isn't as 2nd century as a journal. Hopefully things work out and this ends up being not only readable but also enjoyable for others.

The other 10% will be things like this: out of context updates, links, or whatever else I happen to want to share without the assistance of facebook.

Today I got my first math 3000 test back, 15/30. The score itself doesn't bother me, I've never gotten adequate grades and I don't really know why. Point is, I'm over it and grades don't get to me anymore. What bothers me is that I apparently don't understand this material as well as I thought I did. It's an identical feeling to someone figuring out they pronounce espresso incorrectly. I just wish that the concepts I got wrong had been clarified for me far before today, I feel very discombobulated. I knew why I got a 75/100 on my first accounting class, I have been to the class twice. I almost got a question wrong on the cover sheet because I didn't even know my T.A.'s name. However, I don't even know if I've missed two lectures in 3000. This discrepancy should illustrate both how fucking difficult pure math is and how frustrated I am. I am still really glad I try as hard as I do in 3000 though, it feels good to have something to care about and devote time to but much like a bad breakup it sucks when all that effort results in you only feeling stupid and empty in the end. All things must pass though, and now I'm on the rebound. I'm trying to score this new hottie that I will henceforth refer to as "an A on my mathstats test".

EDIT:Since this is a "10%" I can make all the edits I want and not violate my core premise. I just wanted to clarify that I fucking love math 3000. I love every second I am in the class, I love the lectures, the homework, and even the tests. The existence of this class was one of the biggest academic factors in me coming to mizzou. It is a topics class the has a crazy-wide scope but isn't bullshit like most topics classes. Today in the middle of a discussion on combinatorics we accidentally proved multiplication, I wouldn't get to do that anywhere else. I also got to take it in the perfect semester, my favourite prof. at mizzou Carlo Morpurgo is no longer teaching it after this semester, he is instead teaching both abstract algebra and advanced calculus. I along with most of my 3000 class will be enrolled in both classes. What more could I ask for really?