A majority of the time I have a motivation to write, some big idea or feeling that I want to transcribe as soon as possible for fear of losing it. Recently the problem has been small things that continue to linger and won't go away. A major one has been the lack of continuity. Everyday I wake up and it feels as if I have a blank slate, but not in the traditional positive sense. It isn't that I feel freedom from my past or anything, I have that normally, the new feeling is similar to having to relearn the context of my life throughout the day. I get an invite for lunch and instead of my reaction being "yes, lunch with friends sounds great" its been "oh yeah, food is something I need. Additionally, I do like the company of these people". The differences sound somewhat subtle but that is more-so due to poor articulation in my writing rather than the true reality of these feelings. All in all things appear the same to professors and friends but when it comes to time spent alone it can be somewhat unnerving. It's not that I don't enjoy things or that I'm not happy, its that when those phenomena happen I'm taken aback because I can't actively recollect how I feel about things until they occur. It is reminiscent of an issue I've run into throughout my life when it comes to relationships. I hate being alone, love flirting, love doing nice relationship-y things for the person, love having a release for the sexual tension, but I'm pretty convinced that I hate the fuck out of relationships(or at least the kind I've been in I guess). It doesn't have anything to do with my ex's either, it's all me. Yet, it takes me getting to know someone, asking them out, flirting, etc. then about 2-3 months of serious dating for me to remember that I don't like this very much. The similarities do not end at the effect either, the cause is also included. Much like my relationship woes coming from not being with the right person my difficulty in making myself happy comes from being limited in my choices of activity. I've written about my affinity for basketball as an anti-depressant many times in this space so I guess this will mark the first time I mention withdraw symptoms. I went to a doctor last friday and she concluded that I was suffering from the symptoms of a chronic stress fracture and should take a break from basketball and other sports until a prognosis is reached sometime next week. If she is correct then I have an estimated return in May. If the MRI doesn't show a fracture or it shows something worse then I might have to wait any longer. The issue is not the lack of sports or anything like that, the sport itself is merely a means to an end which is a big part of the reason I am not very good at it. However, it did fill a very unique hole in that it helped with my fitness, it was something completely separate from academia, it is something that I can do alone at pretty and at much any time of day, and it was my "red button" of sorts. Essentially it was my "thing", and mostly because I decided it would be. Much like a security blanket being worthwhile out of principle rather than any intrinsic value. In lieu of this I have been focussing more on school(to the tune of 5/5 A's). My previous issues with mizzou's level of education shine brighter than ever now that I have to spend more time dealing with them but I just keep telling myself to get over it and it seems to be working. It's never been that I don't like school or my course subjects, the problem has always been and continues to be that there is a concerning lack of difficulty in my courses. I have been goofing off at brady since 12:00 when I got out of my last class and I feel absolutely no guilt. I don't feel guilty because I have gotten A's on every single test I've taken this semester, I have all my assigned homework done already, and I am a chapter ahead in all of my books. It is only due to my single figure debit card balance and single healthy leg that I am sitting here blogging instead of doing something more enjoyable. I barely remember what the first 3/4 of this post was even about so I'm sure it's great.
Cold War Kids- Skip the Charade
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