A Red Letter Day

Today is a significant day. It is the eve of another big game in which Mizzou must either "nut up or shut up", it is the first truly cold day in CoMo, and it is also the fifth friday this month which is great. Those things being as extraordinary as they are still aren't the major reason today is a red letter day for me, the big reason is that I am sitting outside of a jiffy-lube waiting to get an oil change. The fact that I am outside of the jiffy lube isn't a big deal, it's about 80 degrees inside and I am ensconced in wool so the outdoors feel better. The important thing about this oil change is that it is 12:09 on a friday, during the meeting time of Math 3000, a class which I have gone into a great detail about on this very blog. I am not in that class because today I met with the excellent Dr. Morphurgo and filled out the papers to withdraw from it, immediately afterwards I set up a meeting to transfer into the Statistics department. Had I stayed in the course I have a good feeling that I could have pulled off a D or maybe even a C, I have managed to do stranger the things. The grade wasn't the reason I dropped, nor was the difficulty although both played a big role in decide to investigate the path of withdrawing. The main reason I chose to no longer be in this course boils down to my current philosophies in life, "do things that scare you" and "do not let a day go by unhappy". Most traditional things don't scare me very much, even basements and demons, however I'll admit that the idea of not being a math major scared me, as did "quitting" a course. Math has been the plan ever since I took Algebra II with one of my all time favorites, Mrs. Jones. I had just gotten out of geometry with Mr. Rose, a class which convinced me that I was essentially worthless when it came to math; the only thing I got out of the class was that Rose taught another class called "IB Higher Level Math", destiny was cast. The relationship I had with Ms. Jones was basically that she understood my test grades in no way reflected my actual intelligence or even my familiarity with the material of the class, unlike other teachers she realized that a B student might have higher than a B intellect. This was critical because she was the teacher who I needed to sign my paperwork to take the aforementioned HL math class in lieu of the required grade and thankfully she complied. For the next 2 years of my life I was in class with 8 other students studying college level mathematics every monday wednesday and friday. It is impossible to overstate the impact that class had on the way I process problems, my work ethic, and most of all my confidence. After passing my exit exams for HL I came to Mizzou tested into calc IIH and enrolled in the math dept, just accomplishing what seemed like another step on the ladder towards a B.S./MS/PHD in math. The reason I hopped off that ladder ties in directly with being happy everyday. Recently as I continued up the rungs of the ladder I started to see the "Ivory Tower" I was climbing towards, the infamous achilles heel of pure mathematicians. Call it a product of naivety but for some reason I assumed that the ivory tower was going to be far away, a place only post-docs resided. The truth of the matter is that as a first semester sophomore I was already going through the metal detectors and having my credentials checked to enter. The issue is that I never wanted to enter, the idea of having to give up on my personal life and my other interests to pursue one field sounds awful to me, as does not being able to talk to anyone other than fellow mathematicians about what I'm studying. I started to see the evidence of needed to subscribe to that lifestyle to succeed in math 3000, and thus I decided it wasn't for me and probably never will be. My relationship with math now gets to consist of taking only classes I enjoy and have interest in, I can casually read through a textbook to look at the ideas without worrying about whether or not I am able to prove the required theorems, its great. What drew me into my HL class so much was the puzzles and problem solving. Using calculus you can integrate the function f(X)=(h/b)x from 0 to b to get .5bh which is the area of a generic triangle. You can also take the cross product of the vectors <0,h,0> and to get bh which is the square formed by the vectors, so simply take half of that to get .5bh which again is the area of a generic triangle. I could give several more of those derivations touching on statistics, trig, and geometry. The point of those examples is that my relationship with math is based on connections and problem solving, the beauty of a solution rather than the formality of it. I believe that I can still keep this relationship just in the Stats dept. instead. My life is just too short to spend any time studying things that I don't like or are keeping me from happiness. One could argue that this decision will affect my future happiness because I will be entering a less lucrative field and they might be right. The issue is that nothing except for this instant is certain, no matter how much I try I cannot guarantee what my life will be life in 5 minutes much less 5 years, the only thing it makes sense to try and control are things that are immediately impacting me, what I'm listening too, who my friends are, what classes I'm in, etc. 

For the few of you reading this blog to keep up on my personal life I've been pretty good, things have been a bit rough lately but I'll be damned if anything is going to keep me down. Specifically I have been enjoying basketball lately. The nba started up tuesday so between catching up on blogs, fantasy, and trying to watch games I've had quite a bit of stuff too enjoy. I've also been going to the rec a couple times a week to play with Shawn which has been good, its always nice to have at least one guy there who isn't a complete tool. I've been playing alright, my shins have still been killing me but chugging aspirin as my post-game routine seems to help a little bit. I'm exam free for the next 2 weeks, it's halloween, and I feel free. Go out and love life readers, you are only guaranteed one.


90% of the songs I link are radiohead or kanye but whatevs. Fuck the haters.

An internal and external revolution(M-I-Z-F-O-U)

One of my biggest flaws is unfounded cynicism. These days it is mostly manifested in my weird perception of the present. For some reason I am the type of guy who would put the '08 Celtics championship on a lower rung than the '84 chip just because one of them happened in my lifetime, for some reason 1984 just sounds more prolific than 2008, stupid I know. The truth of the matter is that Kobe/Pau vs. The Big Three while both groups were at their peak might go down in history as even bigger than Magic/Kareem vs. Bird/McHale. By the same logic there is no reason other than cynicism to think that Kid A isn't just as good or dare I say better than what The Beatles put out. Jay Z is probably better than 'Pac and Kanye is definitely better than Nas. For some reason all of this seemed like it should have an asterisks next to it or be said with hesitation up until last night.

Tigers beat the spread by +12 to take down OU for the first time in 12 years. After the game students rushed the field as the marching mizzou came back on the field and played the fight song. The victory cements Missouri's presence in the conversation for not only the big 12 title but also for a possible national championship. Up until last night if I had read that I would have subconsciously placed the year around the '60s or '70's. However, as everyone knows that happened last night. History was made on Faurot Field and I got to be there in the 5th row watching it happen, I got to be knocked off the bleachers when we ran the first kickoff back for a touchdown, I got to listen as 71,000 fans screamed ZOU every time Gabbert got a clutch first down, and best of all I got to resist orders and rush the field with the rest of the student section as we got to celebrate possibly the biggest win in mizzou history. It also happens to be the most notable time in my life that I have felt like a part of history, and maybe the only time in my life that I have been physically present at something that isn't just noteworthy but might be the most noteworthy. Whenever Obama won I knew that history was being written but I also didn't care all that much because I don't expect much from politicians, I'm sure I would have gotten caught up in the moment had I been in Grant Park though. The reason last night had such an impact on me is that rather than watching a video of people thousands of miles away being overtaken by a moment they will remember for the rest of their lives I was in the video on the front page of espn celebrating on the field.

I could go on for several more paragraphs just about the game and the atmosphere, but I don't want to forget to mention/thank Shawn, Koleen, Morgan, and Dorothy for being such a big part of the weekend too. One of my favourite parts of homecoming was just being on campus walking around on thursday and friday and that would not have been nearly as fun if I had to be alone. You guys made me feel pretty lucky.

As if this month couldn't get any better next week has another big challenge for mizzou, several good NFL games, and the start of one of the most anticipated NBA seasons ever. Life continues to be excellent in pretty much every way.

Kind of a big deal

I really don't feel like writing today and I haven't for all of this week really. Normally I'm so overcome with thoughts that I need to get them out before I go nuts. However, recently I've been at a point where instead of thinking about life a lot I've been living it.  This isn't to say that I won't get back in my normal groove at some point but it's homecoming weekend in como and blogging is not my preferred way to spend it. All that matters is that I have had a great week for a variety of reasons and I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this thing has contributed a reason.
I leave you with this.

(self-titled)

I haven't posted in a while so I figured I might as well. I've got quite I bit I need to do for school but I also need to slow down and think for a bit so what you're reading is that compromise. I did really well on my stats exam today I think. I've always been aware of it but never really made much of the fact that I am way better at stats than I am at math, stats for me is about as close as I've ever gotten to something coming completely naturally to me. This is only an issue because I find math far more intriguing, and I refuse to take the easy way out. I guess I'll see how it plays out over this semester, I'd really like to at least take Advanced Calc.

Overall though things are great, I am living the life that I told myself was coming a year ago. I'm on a basketball team, I'm making more friends, I'm taking all interesting classes, and I like myself a lot more. All the stuff may sound trite to the layman but it's importance couldn't be over-stated for me. The one thing that still seems to plague me is my relationship dry spell. I don't know why either other than that it always seems to be a part of my winter mood swings. I have platonic companionship and I can easily get physical companionship. I guess the thing I need most from a relationship is the uniqueness of the relationship, the special role you get to play in someones else's life, a key role. The biggest frustration I have with being single is that I really feel like I would be great at filling that key role. Having someone to care about and implicitly another reason to get up in the morning would be great. Getting to make someone you care deeply about happy all the time sounds good too. I'm not too worried about it, when someone I'm into does come around the world isn't going to split open. I'm not even going to necessarily be way happier, just a different kind of happy. I enjoy every moment I get to be alive and that means taking advantage of not being tied to anyone and creating happiness out of it.

I would kind of like to write about this weekend but my math hw beckons. Thanks for sacrificing your free time to read my thoughts. Seriously.

this.

Some things take forever to cook.

I just got out of my phil. of film lab, today we watched a film called "Blood in the Face" about the american neo-nazi movement. This film tied in a little bit to some of the stuff I've been think about recently in regards to the status of rationality and belief within various conspiracy theory movements. What caught my attention today is the these neo-nazis believed that there is a legitimate ongoing "power movement" within every race and that the "white race" is losing to the other movements. This seems like a rather large pill to swallow yet the seemingly sane people believed it to such an extent that they were stockpiling weapons. Specifically, one of the leaders purported that the holocaust was the only reasonable response to the "jewish takeover" of the german economy. This ties in directly with the people who subscribe to the idea that JFK was assassinated because he wanted to remove troops from Vietnam which couldn't happen because of an intergalactic treaty formed with the aliens we hold discourse with underneath area 51 that JFK didn't know about because the Majestic 12 did not deem him worthy of the information. There is some fundamental tie between all crazy people, or possibly a number of ties, I have been pondering what it/they could be.

One of these ties is probably fear/anger. In the case of the neo-nazis one of their leaders told a story about not being able to get a government job in the late 60's and having to turn to construction even though he was a vet, this was probably because he was a registered nazi. However, he saw it as a direct result of social programs put in place by the U.S. after the civil rights movement. This misdirected anger combined with a lack of understanding of the labour force or U.S. government has caused him to spend his life taking out his anger against anyone who has been helped by social programs, i.e. minorities and "race traitors"(poor caucasians or minority sympathizers). There is unfortunately no specific example case when it comes to something like the JFK assassination but one can be generalized. Either someone was so angered by the way the assassination investigation was handled and the "failure" of the government to protect the President that they now place the blame on the U.S. government by claiming that they contracted/planned the entire assassination plot. Or in other cases they would rather believe that it was planned by the government/mafia because it is too scary to live in a reality where someone as important as the POTUS could be killed so easily. It is of my opinion that there is definitely something beyond what me know going on with JFK however, the tie still applies to the far edges of crazies(FBI/CIA/Russians etc.).

The implicit psychosis within the UFO/Area 51/Roswell movement is a lot harder to diagnose and likely contains a lot more mental illness rather than lack of education and hate. The easiest perspectives within the movement for me to understand are the ones that contend that the current "story" is too simple. For instance, many say that the reason Obama's view on transparency has changed so much post-election is that he found out about what is really at area 51, many people prefer to believe that rather than dealing with the sad truth of what politics really are. This view also applies to some sects of the 9/11 "truth" movement. For them it is preferably to believe they have a government that is purely evil and perpetrated the attacks rather than trying to understand how the government could let such an atrocity happen when it is now documented that they knew it was coming. Unlike the white power conspirators this group seems to be both interesting and harmless.

I had a really good day today. Hell, I've had a really good week. I'm really clicking with a new group of friends and it makes me quite happy. I'm one step closer to being on a team for basketball, I just need to officially join online. I knew that being on a team would be fun and everything but it has also had an great impact on my workouts, I find myself much more motivated when I have a reason to try(crazy right?). I also haven't had any feelings like I had yesterday. I think maybe I was feeling so disconnected because I didn't get to talk as much with people I can connect with, who knows, all that matters is that I feel like a million bucks and its not even the weekend yet. I am super pumped to see my friends back home, go to the corn maze, and just generally relax.

This version of "Idioteque" features Thom Yorke's vocals pre-distortion. They somehow become even more haunting.

Rules are made to be broken

I try and subscribe to the lifestyle of not participating in social networking when I'm in a bad mood or have had a bad day. I don't really feel like doing that tonight though, I think that through writing about it I might get a better feel for why its happening. With that given I completely understand if no-one wants to read past this sentence.

Most people who know me are probably aware that I don't let my life dictate itself, and a product of that is not letting minor negative stuff put me in a negative mood. Today wasn't bad due to any particular event or circumstance, it was suit day, I did well on my retake in math 3000, and I had a good day on the court. It just felt like I was completely disconnected from everything and I don't really know why. I guess it happens every couple of weeks to me, especially during fall/winter, a psychologist would probably call it seasonal affective disorder and probably would agree. The main problem is that when I feel that disconnect I can be surrounded by friends all day like I was today and still feel super lonely and bummed out. This again snowballs and furthers the disconnected feeling because I'm now both feeling mentally numb and out of it but I also feel lonely and shitty. The snowball effect plays a heavy role here. It normally doesn't bother me all that much and I've learned to put up with it. The reason I decided to make note of it today was that its the first time it has happened separately of being actually lonely, and it resulted in me feeling a little bit alien even when I was around people I get along great with. It even affected my workout. There is little that pisses me off more than having every reason to be glowing yet not being able to be due to what my dad would refer to as "head trash". I just wish I had recognized what was happening earlier in the day instead of while I was driving home trying to figure why my day seemed so 'off'. As of right now, 8:19 I am done feeling crappy, I refuse to even feel bad for letting a day go by in a bad mood.

I'm listening to one of my favourite albums "Takk..." by Sigur Rós(check out the link at the bottom), watching last nights House, the new Modern Family, and then I might go to be even though it'll be 10 because why not? Even though today was a hiccup I'm still happy overall with how my life is going. It could be a whole lot better but I feel like its on the right path. Furthermore, it would be a shame to not enjoy every point along that path so that's still the plan.

Sorry again about the wishy washy post tonight but I really do feel like writing about it helped me isolate what exactly I was feeling and then remove it. The post I said was coming yesterday is still coming at some point soon. The overall idea I had is still there but the supporting parts are still shuffling around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr_MJAOyOeU

Somethings in the oven

I have an idea in mind for what my next real post will be I think. I was going to type it out today but I've been too busy hanging out with friends and reading up on conspiracy theories. Also, I have glee! and house to catch up on. I feel like I'm in a pretty good place when I'm too busy enjoying my life to write about how much I'm enjoying it.

the small things

After all these years I still love the little rush I get when I prove something.
I still can't help but smile when I see multicoloured leaves.
I haven't gotten tired of having great conversation.
I still love my man kanye.
Kanye West featuring Beyoncé & Charlie Wilson - See me now by Hypetrak

EDIT:I also love that rollins is back.

Indecision breeding cohesion.

First things first, I have had a exceeding pleasant weekend so far, both saturday and sunday night consisted of spending lots of time with friends new and old. This evening however will be consumed by math 3000, I have to prepare for both the test retake monday and write a homework redo for monday, fun stuff.

Initially todays post was going to be a reflection upon some life changing stuff I've gotten to do along with sharing pictures from some of that stuff. That plan changed when for some reason my mind landed upon the words to the famous stanza from Tennyson's In Memoriam.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."

The immediate meaning of this poem resonates with people so incredibly well that it has almost become idiomatic within our collective vocabularies. I think that there is something beyond the basic idea that having a wonderful life with someone makes it worth losing them. Whether Tennyson intended this or not I think it can be gathered that an additional meaning is when you truly love someone they fundamentally and permanently change you into a more complete and better person to such an extent that you stay that way after they leave. I would really like to be with that person. I sometimes feel as if after spending so much time introspectively I am reaching the "final lap" of that being productive or useful. As flawed as it is Maslow's Hierarchy of needs somewhat illustrates the point I am trying to make.

I am 11/11 on "high level" needs but I am ~14/17 when it comes to "basic/low level" needs which is not only really backwards, but generally fucked up.  On the other hand though how bitchin' will it be when I finally do end up in a healthy relationship and I already have all of my internal issues worked out? I probably even prefer in this way.

The next thought I had came while writing the previous paragraph so its a bit less complete. What if you substitute "love" for other weaker types of love such as platonic love or love of things, does the same idea of permanent change work? I think so but to a weaker extent. Without any doubt in my mind I can say I have had friends that I would be a much worse of person without having met. To such a degree that is unpleasant to even think about that scenario. The side that I am less sure of is whether or not things can have that effect. My best guess is that it really depends on what kind of role that thing plays in your life, personally I don't know that any object other than computers or cities have impacted me on a deep level. 

On that note and in light of all the homework I have to do here are some of those aforementioned pictures to finish this off.

Chillin' inside The Cavern where The Beatles got their start.

This is a couch in the cabinet room that I spend some of my best times in high school sitting on. One day we found out it had rats living in it.

There are many reasons that NYC is one of the few cities I'd love to live in. This illustrates the biggest one

This what the teachers lounge of the aerospace engineering dept. at MIT looks like. Or at least what it looked like on the night Nathan and I broke into the aerospace building there.

My one and only NBA game. If you squint you can see Derrick Rose.

Laguna Beach is definitely one of the prettiest places I've ever been but it is also amazing for collecting yourself and soul searching.

Lady GaGa having everyone in the crowd take pictures of the fame monster to kill it. 

Partying with the Flaming Lips right here in CoMo

The best part is that all of that has happened in the past 3.5 years. The future looks quite bright.

Some afternoon delight(a quickie)

I didn't really give a proper introduction to what I was this to be in my post yesterday and I'd like to do that. I guess my first post is a fairly representative of what 70% of my posts will be on here. It was presented without context because I had been waiting for an idea to compose itself clearly enough to leverage me into writing again and when one did I just went with it. Like all of my first drafts it was done in one sitting with no rewrites or edits, my goal when writing is to document with as much accuracy as possible an unadulterated idea. Because of this another 20% of my writing will probably be exploring and playing with the ideas now that they have been constructed and exist in a concrete form, possibly even renovating in some cases. The typical cycle will probably consist of a couple of the "70%" posts a week and then depending on if I find what I wrote interesting enough to look at again I will post a "20%" companion post a week or two later. The main goal I had in creating this was to have a place to document my thoughts, ideas, and feelings in a medium that isn't as 2nd century as a journal. Hopefully things work out and this ends up being not only readable but also enjoyable for others.

The other 10% will be things like this: out of context updates, links, or whatever else I happen to want to share without the assistance of facebook.

Today I got my first math 3000 test back, 15/30. The score itself doesn't bother me, I've never gotten adequate grades and I don't really know why. Point is, I'm over it and grades don't get to me anymore. What bothers me is that I apparently don't understand this material as well as I thought I did. It's an identical feeling to someone figuring out they pronounce espresso incorrectly. I just wish that the concepts I got wrong had been clarified for me far before today, I feel very discombobulated. I knew why I got a 75/100 on my first accounting class, I have been to the class twice. I almost got a question wrong on the cover sheet because I didn't even know my T.A.'s name. However, I don't even know if I've missed two lectures in 3000. This discrepancy should illustrate both how fucking difficult pure math is and how frustrated I am. I am still really glad I try as hard as I do in 3000 though, it feels good to have something to care about and devote time to but much like a bad breakup it sucks when all that effort results in you only feeling stupid and empty in the end. All things must pass though, and now I'm on the rebound. I'm trying to score this new hottie that I will henceforth refer to as "an A on my mathstats test".

EDIT:Since this is a "10%" I can make all the edits I want and not violate my core premise. I just wanted to clarify that I fucking love math 3000. I love every second I am in the class, I love the lectures, the homework, and even the tests. The existence of this class was one of the biggest academic factors in me coming to mizzou. It is a topics class the has a crazy-wide scope but isn't bullshit like most topics classes. Today in the middle of a discussion on combinatorics we accidentally proved multiplication, I wouldn't get to do that anywhere else. I also got to take it in the perfect semester, my favourite prof. at mizzou Carlo Morpurgo is no longer teaching it after this semester, he is instead teaching both abstract algebra and advanced calculus. I along with most of my 3000 class will be enrolled in both classes. What more could I ask for really?

A short treatise on philosophical friction

  In physics friction can be a real bitch. It lies at the core of inaccuracy in nearly all mechanical calculations, however we accept it as part of nature, and we would definitely never make the choice to live without it as Ms. Frizzle so elegantly demonstrated. I would make the same contention about the day to day life of humans. An interesting way of looking at mechanical friction is thinking about it as the difference between what was supposed to happen and what did happen, e.g. if you push a box with certain amount of force yet it moves as if a different level of force was applied that difference can be labeled as friction. The definition I will be using for "human" friction is closer to that than might be expected. Whatever the change is between what you hoped would happen and what did happen I would refer to as friction, in other words:the "shit happens" variable. My main contention is that much like a game of baseball would be fundamentally wrong without mechanical friction in play I think a life lived without friction wouldn't be fulfilling at all. The most obvious argument for this would entail the idea that without problems we would have no problem solving skills, no tools, no invention, and thus no reason to ever leave the stone age. However blunt or simple that argument may be it fails to elaborate on the positive role agony and disappointment play within the human condition. If we were never sad how could we ever be happy? We would never again have the awesome feeling of finally being warm after being cold for what seemed like years. If a single dimension of emotion is represented by a -10->10 scale centered on zero the single best feeling possible is going from a -10 to 10, if there were no negative numbers you could only ever feel half that good.

  One of the more enlightened things a person can do is learn to find the positive stuff within everything, it is an introspective task that often takes a lifetime to learn but it is critically important to living an enjoyable life. Without negative stuff happening this skill would never need to exist which would be a critical blow to the development of the human psyche. Finally reaching the stage where hitting every red light on the way home means more time enjoying the night breeze or getting to hear a few more songs on the radio instead of getting frustrated is a wonderful feeling. Its the equivalent of no longer needing to listen to specific albums because you love every song that comes up on shuffle. Being able to be happy with random stuff that happens to you is way better than living a life that follows a perfect script, or at the very least more interesting.

  I guess what I'm getting at is that I've been trying over the past couple of years to leave as much friction as I can in my life. It makes me work harder at maintaining a positive attitude and it also makes it so I always feel like I'm alive. I don't avoid hard classes or tough shifts at work because with all of that going on when I finally do get to relax and don't run into friction it feels that much better. Much like a box on ice...if boxes could feel.